Mitt Romney’s Possible Tax Deductions - By Harry Freedman
I watched a little bit of the
Republican convention and I guess my favorite speaker was on the first night
when Tony Soprano channeled Rex Ryan by way of Chris Christie. I honestly
thought when he got done he was going to order a hit on Tom Coughlin, Bill
Bellicek or Rafalca. I also liked Clint Eastwood, who was channeling Barack
Obama by way of the Mars Curiosity.
When it was
all over, I was struck by another thought; Mitt Romney still hasn’t released
his tax returns. That’s pretty amazing. Both the left and the right have been
calling for him to release them and the fact that he still refuses to do so
makes me wonder if there’s something in them that would really finish him off.
So with that
in mind, I began theorizing about what he might be hiding. Here’s my list of
possible Mitt Romney tax deductions.
1.
He deducted $20,000 for his good looks.
2.
Deducted $6,000 for each of his 5 sons, Trig,
Trapp, Trip, Todd and Tigger.
3.
$100,000 to keep all 5 sons looking preppy.
4.
$35 for Sheldon Adelson order of lox and bagels
during lunch in Israel.
5.
$100,000 per delegate to win nomination. Another
$100,000 per delegate to act excited during keynote speech.
6.
$250,000 to hire Tobey McGuire to help dressage
horse Rafalca recover from Olympic defeat and get ready for 2016.
7.
$25,000 for rights to play various rock songs
against artists wishes.
8.
$50,000 deduction for teeth whitening procedure
to improve fake smile for visit to Wendy’s. $5 for meal at Wendys.
9.
$75,000 deduction for ineffective coaching
lessons in attempt to help him to act like regular guy.
10.
$50,000 donation to producers of Dancing With
The Stars to be on next season as fallback position in case presidential
election goes south
11.
$50,000 donation to producers of The Price Is Right
to replace Drew Carey as host as second fallback position in case election goes
south.
12.
Deducted $100,000 for Dog and Pony show. Dog on
roof, pony in Olympics.
13.
Additional $200. - Roof racks for dog carrier
14.
Recent Trip to Europe…entire trip was a
write-off.
15.
$2,000,000 deduction for charitable contribution
to his church of Scientology…oh, wait, that’s John Travolta and Tom Cruise.
16.
$5,000,000 deduction for donation to Mormon
Church to help support his 11 secret wives and his 57 additional kids, all
named after Heinz ketchup flavors in honor of John Kerry’s wife Teresa.
17.
$1,000,000 donation to Karl Rove to continue
acting diabolical.
18.
$5,000,000 deduction to pay for heart transplant
surgery for Dick Cheney, to keep him alive long enough to help start new wars
after 2012 presidential election.
19.
Unknown amount to convince someone to donate the
heart.
20.
$10,000,000 for Ann Romney to make nominating
speech talking about how ‘real’ Mitt is.
21.
$500,000 for acting lessons to help Ann Romney
make said speech.
22.
$75,000,000 for Clint Eastwood to show up and
talk to a chair. ($75,000,000 also exact amount of budget for Clint Eastwood’s
next movie, entitled Buick Dodge Ford, the story of an angry old white guy who
helps poor minority kids live a better life.)
23.
$3,000,000 on PR to repair damage from Clint
Eastwood’s speech to a chair.
24.
1994 - $10,000 donation to Planned Parenthood
25.
2011 - $100,000 donation to groups planning to
defund Planned Parenthood
26.
1994 - $10,000 donation to women’s right to
choose groups.
27.
2011 - $100,000 donation to right to life groups
28.
1994 - $10,000 donation for Gay Rights
organizations
29.
2011 - $100,000 donation for Family Values
groups
30.
1994 - $10,000 donation for Brady Campaign to
prevent gun violence.
31.
2011 - $100,000 donation to NRA
32.
1994 - $10,000 donation for voter rights
protections
33.
2011 - $100,000 donation to Truth the Vote and
Voter Suppression laws.
While taking fellow republicans out to dinner, Mitt also
took the following deductions.
1.
$200 extra for Rick Perry who ordered the same
food twice after forgetting what he ordered the first time.
2.
$25 for Rick Santorum to replace order of
hard-boiled eggs, which he refused to eat, saying that they should’ve been
allowed to hatch into chickens.
3.
$100 deduction for extra tip to waitress after
Rick Santorum refused to leave tip because she was having unmarried sex.
4.
$10,000 for Chris Christie appetizer of raw
meat.
5.
$75.00 deduction for Ron Paul’s veal chops, who
refused to eat on principle until the government stops wasting money on food
inspectors. Chris Christie finished it off as part of extra dessert.
6.
$10,000 for Michelle Bachman’s trip to emergency
room because restaurant owners had bribed food inspectors despite serious
violations.
7.
$500. deduction for large hospital attendant to
hold Michelle Bachman down for injection to help her recovery from said food
poisoning. Ms. Bachman tried to resist, fearing said injection would also
include an extra dose of autism.
8.
$100 for additional Chris Christie Surf and Turf
entrée, consisting of steak from Texas and surfer from Jersey shore. (The
ocean, not the TV show)
Harry Freedman, is a comedian and corporate comedy put-on artist. He also makes very funny biographical videos for all occasions. Comments welcome at Harry@hfreedman.com
Website - www.Hfreedman.com
