The Best Gift You can give someone is a movie about their life. Here’s how to Make one.

How to create a “This Is Your Life Movie” that knocks everyone’s socks off!

By Harry Freedman

One of the greatest gifts you can give for someone’s birthday, retirement, honorarium, wedding, anniversary, mitzvah, or any other special occasion, is to create a video that tells their life story, that gets played at their event or party.

This is something I do professionally (www.TheUltimateTributeVideo.com) and I’ve developed some tips to help guide you to create an actual short documentary style movie that captures an individual’s essence and personality, in a way that’s highly entertaining.

In my opinion, it’s basically the most personal thing you can do to show someone how much you care. And if you do it right, it’ll be so warm, touching, and funny, it’ll blow everyone away.

So if you’re with me so far and ready to try something great, here goes.

GET THE PHOTOS AND STORIES

First, ask the individual’s friends and family for photos. If they’re digitized, that’s easier, but since many people still have old photo albums, put the best photos under a good light, and digitize them with your own camera.  

Next, ask for anecdotes and get the individual’s life story. Where were they born? Where did they grow up? What were they like as a kid? What were their interests? Who were their friends? I try to get everything about their lives as if I’m doing a research paper.

If the video is going to be a surprise, make sure to do this in secret. If the individual is in on it ahead of time, then use them as a primary resource without hesitation.

After the initial interviews, go home and input the photos into your computer. Make sure you have backups of both your photos and video footage on a separate hard drive as you put together your project.

SCRIPT THEIR LIFESTORY AND WRITE NARRATION.

Write a narrative script about the individual’s life in chronogical order and record your voice-overs. It could start with something like, “He was born in Brooklyn and grew up in a rough neighborhood, so he had to be tough to survive.” Then describe how his upbringing affected his personality.

After you put in the narration, mix, match, and shorten the appropriate photos for each narrative to help tell the story. Sometimes I also add photos from the web, such as a map of their hometown to bring in an extra element.

WRITE QUESTIONS FOR THE VIDEO INTERVIEWS

Once you’ve scripted their life, and have a rough draft, prepare for the live interviews with their friends and family. It’s best to try to gather everyone at the same place and schedule them every 20 or 30 minutes, individually or in small groups.

ADD HUMOR

Think of questions before-hand that will elicit interesting anecdotes as well as possible humor. I usually go in with about a page or two of notes based on their previous information, to get the highlights of the honoree’s life. I also coach my interviewees to bring out some humor.

When I interviewed the workers of one honoree who owned a window washing business for example, I had them describe how their boss, “wouldn’t do second floor windows because he was afraid of heights.” This was so obviously untrue, that it brought down the house with laughter.

DO THE BEST YOU CAN WITH VIDEO AND SOUND QUALITY

There are whole books devoted to video, sound, and lights, so I won’t get into too much detail, but the better you’re able to frame your shots, control the audio, and have adequate lighting, the better the finished product will look and sound. I personally use a 3 chip high def camera, professional lighting and a shotgun microphone. There are people far more expert about this subject then myself, but since this video will not only be for the party, but also for posterity, try to do the best you can.

DURING THE INTERVIEWS - GO WITH THE FLOW

Use the questions as a guide, but if someone goes off into a unexpected direction, be prepared to ask follow ups. You never know what people are going to bring up, but the more you get on film, the more you have to work with when you’re editing. On the other hand, if someone goes off on a tangent that seems less promising, try to swing back to your other questions. 

VIDEO EDITING

Once you’ve got your footage, input everything into your computer and start editing. Again, make sure you have backups on a separate hard drive. Begin by separating the material that has a chance of being used from the stuff that’s not as interesting. This is probably the most tedious part of the whole job, but when you’re done, you should have the best footage ready to play with.

Next, go back to your script and add your voice over narration to the photos. Figure out what should go where based on the chronological timeline and match them up to accentuate the story.

ADD TITLES FOR YOUR CATEGORIES

I usually use categories like Early Childhood, Family Life, Career, Hobbies, Eccentricities, and Prepare Your Hankies for starters. Add as many or as few as you want depending on your subject’s life and interests.

ADD HUMOR

This is also a good place to add a little humor. For example, I’ll show a series of actual photos of the individual and their friends and family, and then mix in a picture of Brad Pitt or even a Kardashian. The juxtaposition of these completely unrelated and unexpected celebrity shots usually get a good laugh.

I also added a joke for one family that lived on an estate when their daughters were young, by showing a picture of the estate, and stating, “So Erin and Lauren grew up thinking they were rich.”

As you’re editing, feel free to experiment by creating extra files so you’re previous version is always safe. This way, you can always go back if you don’t like your newest changes.

ALTERNATE THE NARRATION PHOTO FOOTAGE WITH THE INTERVIEWS

Once you’ve got several blocks of narration with the appropriate photos, it’s time to add the interviews into their logical categories to create a blend.

TITLES, MUSIC AND SPECIAL EFFECTS

When I’m done putting together the whole thing, I go back and add titles and music. You definitely want opening and closing titles, but I find titles are also a great way to add information throughout the video, as well as an easy way to score some more jokes. I also use Garage-band to add music underneath the opening and closing titles, as well as anywhere else that I think it might be of help.

If you have extra time and want to add some more pizzaz, play around with special effects. Often when someone talks for a long time, I’ll fast forward their speech to show how long they were talking and then slow it down again for added humor. Of course, I always make sure that that person can take a joke.

Another time, I shot video for a bat mitzvah girl who was a karate expert and used special effects showing her breaking boards and chopping watermelons to make a humorous infomercial which I called, “The Julia Chopper.”

CUT THE FAT

After it’s all done, I go back and cut out the fat. I show it to my wife and some friends and usually edit it down to 10-15 minutes. There’s no rule that says it has to be that length, but unless you’re a master, you’re more likely to leave in stuff that isn’t needed and slow things down. Keep the best.

KEEP EVERYTHING TASTEFUL

Remember, these events are usually for business or family functions, so unless you’re making a video for a bachelor party, try to keep everything in PG.

PLAYING THE VIDEO AT THE EVENT

I’m going to assume that either you or someone else will be able to secure a movie screen, sound equipment, and video projector. Hopefully, this is all done professionally and all you have to do is bring a dvd (plus backups), laptop, or Ipad, and you don’t have to worry. Either way, talk to whoever is in charge ahead of time and get there early enough to make sure everything works. Technical difficulties with video happen frequently, so be prepared to take a few minutes extra to figure it all out.

BEST TIME FOR THE VIDEO TO BE PLAYED

The best time to play your tribute video is right after the toasts, because everyone is usually focused and attentive and your movie becomes the icing on the cake.

I personally like to introduce the video’s I’ve made, to set it up so that everyone knows it’s going to be a little different and to ensure it has their full attention.

With that in mind, I also ask everyone to turn off their cellphones and make sure the waitstaff holds off on serving food or collecting dishes. I can tell you from personal experience that there is nothing worse then watching your audience get distracted by clanking glasses and crashing dishes, so talk to the party planner or matre’di to make sure they’re all on the same page.

If all goes well, you can create a video that’s not only  charming but even electric. If you get the right balance of warmth, humor, and detail, it can be an homage to the guest of honor that will not only be loved when it’s played at the party, but will be an amazing keepsake for them and their family for the rest of their lives. 

Yes, it takes a lot of work and care. But when you see the reactions on everyone’s faces, you’ll know it was well worth the time.

And that’s a gift worth giving.

Harry Freedman is the creator of The Ultimate Tribute Video,   a customized humorous biographical “this is your life” style movie about someone’s life for any important landmark occasion.

Harry is also a professional comedian who frequently opens for Ray Romano, and has been profiled in the NY Times for his Corporate Comedy Put-ons for Fortune 1000 companies, in which he’s introduced as a fake expert at conventions and proceeds to veer off into customized humor. For more information, check out: www.Hfreedman.com

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at Harry@hfreedman.com or call at 516-922-6831.

How To Produce Great Comedy For Your Corporate Holiday Party (Written by a professional corporate comedian)

HOW TO PRODUCE A GREAT COMEDY SHOW FOR YOUR CORPORATE HOLIDAY PARTY - Written by a professional corporate and standup comedian. 

A holiday party is usually a time for celebration and a good comedy show can be a great way to thank your employees for a job well done. But there are some rules to consider if you want to ensure that you get the best results for your company and from your talent.

FINDING YOUR TALENT

There are a lot of ways to search for comedians, and whether you go through a lecture agent, speaker bureau, comedy agent, or check out your local comedy club, here are a few things to consider.

First, corporate comedy is different. If you see someone at a local club and they’re funny and reasonably clean, there’s nothing wrong with putting them on your list. But make sure that they understand the rules, because a nightclub comedian is often comfortable using raw language and material that may not fit your crowd.

So check out their websites, or better still, see them live if possible, and call one of their references. When you watch their video, try to skim through the entire show to get a sense of how it all flows, rather then just assume that everything will be similar to what they put on their highlight reel.

Some comedians, including myself, work all kinds of different venues, and we are able to switch our material from show to show depending on the forum. But I’ve also been doing this for over 3 decades and know what’s right for each crowd. The danger with a young inexperienced comic is that he or she may go in with good intentions, but use inappropriate material if they feel they’re not getting enough laughs, so keep that in mind.

Once you’ve decided upon your talent, make sure that they agree to your rules. Most likely this means no cursing, no potty humor and avoiding material that is politically incorrect. It helps to review some of their jokes in advance to give specific examples of what’s okay and what would be considered crossing the line.

Now, it’s true some smaller companies have looser cultures. My wife works in an office where the bosses yell and curse all day long, so if they hired a comedian for a party, the boundaries would probably be a lot looser, but even then, a good corporate comedian knows to err on the side of safety. Whatever you decide, use due diligence and do your homework.

CONTRACTS

Once you’ve chosen your acts, make sure all parties have a signed contract and a deposit. I usually get 50% which locks in the date for the company, so they’re guaranteed I’m not going to take a last minute offer for better money (not that I would), but it also ensures that I won’t lose money if I’ve turned down work and the boss suddenly decides to hire his second cousin’s nephew.

COST        

It’s hard for me to give specifics because it really depends on the size of group and venue for your party. If your company is small, the budget is obviously going to be quite different then it would be for a Fortune 500. The bottom line is, give yourself a range to shop with and be prepared to be flexible if you find a particular act that you just have to have.

Keep in mind, the better acts are in greater demand, so they generally do charge more, but there are plenty of reasonably priced comedians who may not be household names, but will still do a great job for your group. But be careful about hiring a comedian that comes in at a price that’s too low. They may be just starting out or may not have much experience in the corporate market.

Remember that the comedy show is probably going to be the thing your co-workers remember most about the party, so be careful not to be penny wise and dollar foolish.

CREATING A GOOD COMEDY ATMOSPHERE AT THE VENUE.

I’ve done comedy in all kinds of situations and nothing is tougher for a comedian then to go in front of a rowdy crowd who wants to drink, talk and mingle, and couldn’t care less that there’s a show. So the number 1 rule is to treat the show with due respect. If the party planners behave as if it’s background noise, the audience will usually respond in kind and the comedians will be hard pressed to overcome that. But if you set it up right, it can be golden.

Wherever you hold the event, try to be sure your group has its own separate space so you avoid the chance of a loud bar or too much noise from other patrons.

Let your group know that there’s a show ahead of time and emphasize that if anyone just absolutely has to be talking for whatever reason, that they should take it outside. Then make sure cell-phones are all off and have someone from the company introduce the comedian so that everyone pays attention.

It’s also important that everyone is seated, because when too many people are standing, they’re restless, and it’s tougher for even the best comedian to hold their attention. And finally, don’t start the show during the meal because nobody really laughs too much when they’re chewing. So try to do the comedy either after the meal, get the wait-staff to stop moving and give everyone a 5 minute heads-up right before so they can use the facilities.

SOUND AND LIGHTS

Sound and lights are more important then you might think, so it’s always a good idea to have your performer test both before the show when the room is empty.

A lot of hotel conference rooms have tiny little round speakers built into the ceiling. Use these only as a last resort. Bad sound can really hurt a comedy show, because if the audience can’t clearly understand what the comedian is saying, the humor isn’t going to fly.

Many comedians have their own sound equipment. I have a portable sound system that’s good for about 250 people. If I’m doing a local show and I’m not sure of the venue conditions, I throw it in the car just in case. But keep in mind, if you need the comic to bring their own equipment, there is usually an extra charge.

One of the trickiest parts about setting the right tone for comedy is the lighting. 

Basically, the overall goal is to get the comedian well lit (but not blinded), and have the audience dim but not dark, which increases the intimacy factor and makes it more comfortable for everyone to laugh. It also helps because the comedian can still see the faces and body language of the audience throughout the show.

AUDIENCE PLACEMENT

If you’ve ever been to a comedy club you know that everyone is usually packed in like sardines. There are 2 reasons for this. First, the more people the club fits in their room, the more money they’re obviously making, but second, is that it exponentially increases laughter.

While, you may not want to squeeze your employees quite that tightly, do try to keep the tables fairly close together and near the comedian. Laughter truly is contagious and this is one of the most important elements to a successful show.

LENGTH OF SHOW

If you want a full comedy show with 3 comedians, about 90 minutes is about right, with the emcee usually doing 15-20, the middle about 30, and the headliner about 45. If you hire just 1 or 2 acts, anything from 30-75 minutes is fairly typical, but it really depends on whether you want comedy to be a spice ingredient for your party, or to serve as the main course.

TIME OF DAY

The best time for a comedian is generally at night, but I have worked corporate functions at every possible time of day. Almost any time can work, but if your party is in the early morning, I suggest that you try not to start off with comedy as the first course, because your crowd simply won’t be all that alert. I’ve performed at conventions as early as 8 am, and I’ve been successful, but it’s a very different reaction at 8 AM then it is even an hour later.

MAKE THE COMEDIAN(S) COMFORTABLE – IT REALLY DOES HELP THE SHOW

Try to make your comedian(s) be as comfortable as possible. If there’s food, and it’s not prohibitively expensive, we always appreciate a good meal.

It’s also helpful to have a place in the back of the room, or better still, in another room, for your comics to hang out before the show.

Most comedians are pretty low maintenance. We perform in so many different situations that we’re usually pretty flexible, but the more you make us feel welcome, the easier it is for us to concentrate on our job – which is to give you a great show.

In my own career, I’ve entertained at the NY Stock Exchange, opened for top name acts at major theaters in front of thousands of people, been on national TV shows, and appeared at some truly mindboggling corporate events. I’ve also been at bars, nightclubs, coffee houses, libraries and drug rehabs. No matter what the venue or event, the less extraneous stuff we have to worry about, the better it is for everything.

OTHER COMEDY OPTIONS – ROASTS AND PUT-ONS

Roasts are a fun way to let off some steam about office politics and company policies, but again, make sure you get someone  who knows what they’re doing.

This is one of the things I specialize in and I love doing it, but it’s a lot of writing so I do charge more. But what you’re getting in return is a much more personalized show.

When a comic is doing jokes about the corporate policies and some of your coworkers and execs, the audience is pretty much always riveted. If you do go for a roast, I suggest you review ALL the comedian’s material so there there are no surprises.

You might also consider the corporate put-on, where the comedian is introduced as a new vice president who’s joining the company after the holidays with some “fresh new ideas” for improving business. This gives it an added element of surprise, but again, this isn’t something that every comedian can pull off.

I hope these tips are helpful. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at Surfcomic@aol.com or at 516-922-6831. You can also check out my website for demos of my own corporate comedy put-ons and standup comedy at www.Hfreedman.com (Harryfreedman.net (agent friendly)

(Harry Freedman performs customized corporate comedy and emcees, as well as stand-up comedy for all kinds of functions. He also makes humorous biographical videos. 

Comedy Is Healing

I don't normally do this, but I thought this article was great.

Harry Freedman

Comic relief: Laughter is a natural painkiller

By Cari Nierenberg

This is no laughing matter (or maybe it is): A small British study has found that laughter can increase your tolerance of pain. It seems that cracking up in the company of other people releases endorphins, the same feel-good brain chemicals triggered while exercising.

Laughter is helpful when you're hurting because it's hard work for the body. A hearty, sustained laugh is a good workout for muscles in the chest and lungs, and this can trigger the release of endorphins to mask the pain, says Robin Dunbar, PhD, a professor of evolutionary psychology at Oxford University, who led the study. When endorphin levels increase, a person's pain threshold rise, he explains. 

For the study, published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society B, scientists ran a series of six different experiments in the lab and one in a real-world setting, during live stage performances at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Many of the tests were done in small groups because other research has shown that laughter is 30 times more likely to occur in a social situation than when you're alone.

In some studies, half of the volunteers watched a comedy video -- ranging from episodes of "South Park" and "Friends" to "Mr. Bean" and "The Simpsons" -- while the others viewed a documentary on dull stuff like golf instruction, pet training, or a nature show. 

Each participant's individual pain threshold was tested before and after watching the videos, using such pain-inducing techniques as an increasingly tighter blood pressure cuff around the upper arm or a frozen wine cooler sleeve placed on the forearm and held there until the person couldn't take it any longer. Pain tolerance was considered a proxy measure of endorphin levels.

Researchers also recorded the amount of time participants spent laughing. But polite titters wouldn't cut it; only relaxed social laughter that stretched smile muscles in the face counted.

Pain tolerance was shown to be higher in men and women who watched funny videos, but they stayed the same or were lower in those who didn't. Scientists were also able to tease out that a person's ability to handle more pain was due to the laughter itself and not just because it put someone in a better mood.

Laughter is definitely some of the best medicine for pain, says Dunbar. It seems that endorphins tune up the immune system, so triggering their release through laughter helps you recover from disease and allows the body to resist infection, he explains

Would some comic relief help those suffering from chronic pain? Presumably, the more you engage in social events that involve laughter, you'll be better able to bear chronic pain, Dunbar says.

"No doubt the pharmaceutical companies won't like it, but laughter would save on hospital bills," he points out.

A Guide to Effective Public Speaking - Part 1

By Harry Freedman

A study once indicated that most people were more afraid of public speaking then they are of actually dying. I’ve been a professional comedian for 33 years, and a corporate put-on comedian for 23 years, and to this day, I still go through varying degrees of nerves before a show. And I remember when I first started out, there were nights that I literally wasn’t sure I’d be able to go on.                                   

But over the years, after a lot of trial and error, I’ve learned how to channel that nervous energy and develop some sure fire ways to help anyone to become more effective at public speaking. Before I offer my tips, the first thing to do is find out if you are someone who might be a good candidate for assistance.                                                                       

For example, if the first words out of your mouth when you meet someone in public are, “your car sir,” or “would you like fries with that,” then chances are you are not speaking up enough for yourself to get ahead. Or, have you ever tried robbing a bank and at the moment you were supposed to order the teller to hand over the unmarked bills, did you freeze up and forget what to say? If so, assuming that you’re now in prison, why do you want to improve your public speaking? After all, nobody likes a snitch.                                          

Nevertheless, if you have suffered from any of these symptoms, however, I believe I can help. Please keep in mind, this advice is not for everyone. If you’re a witness against the mob, and about to enter a government protection program, your fear of public speaking and dying are most likely one and the same. So these tips are probably not for you.                     

To begin, let’s take a look at a common speaking situation. For example, if you are asked to make a speech by the boss, it’s natural to feel nervous and frightened. That’s why the most important thing in any speech is to grab your audience in the first thirty seconds. This can usually be achieved by giving out some sort of gift, such as for example, free money.                                                                          

The next tip is to try to make sure that you are calm when you approach the podium. Among the methods I use are exercise, deep breathing, and hyperventilating until I pass out. I know this sounds pretty radical but consider the fact that many football players get so anxious they actually purge before a big game. I can empathize with that, which is why whenever I’m getting ready for a big show, I like to watch football.              

In addition, you also have to correctly prepare for the group you’re going to be speaking to. For example, I find that yoga works as a calming method, if I’m going to be speaking to a group of Yogi. I use meditation whenever I’m going to be in front of meditators, or for that matter, mediators, and I find that screaming into a pillow until my throat is raspy, helps prepare me for an audience of Hells Angels.                     

Perhaps the toughest issue is to overcome one’s inner demons and fears before going to the podium. As a result, I’ve helped a lot of nervous speakers get over their shyness by ordering them to run onto the field during professional sporting events and disrupt the action. Naturally they get arrested but while the cops are subduing them, the crowd's cheers are an overwhelming boost to their confidence. And you should see how quickly former nervous nellies are ready to step up to the plate to make that free phone call.                                          

So, next time you see a spectator run onto the field at a ballgame, and you think he’s some kind of nut, keep in mind, he could very well just be a very shy person following my orders.

Harry Freedman, is a comedian and corporate entertainer. Emails are always welcome at Harry@hfreedman.com

Mitt Romney's Possible Tax Deductions

Mitt Romney’s Possible Tax Deductions  -    By Harry Freedman

I watched a little bit of the Republican convention and I guess my favorite speaker was on the first night when Tony Soprano channeled Rex Ryan by way of Chris Christie. I honestly thought when he got done he was going to order a hit on Tom Coughlin, Bill Bellicek or Rafalca. I also liked Clint Eastwood, who was channeling Barack Obama by way of the Mars Curiosity.              

When it was all over, I was struck by another thought; Mitt Romney still hasn’t released his tax returns. That’s pretty amazing. Both the left and the right have been calling for him to release them and the fact that he still refuses to do so makes me wonder if there’s something in them that would really finish him off.                                                                

So with that in mind, I began theorizing about what he might be hiding. Here’s my list of possible Mitt Romney tax deductions.

1.                     He deducted $20,000 for his good looks.   

2.                     Deducted $6,000 for each of his 5 sons, Trig, Trapp, Trip, Todd and Tigger.   

3.                     $100,000 to keep all 5 sons looking preppy.

4.                     $35 for Sheldon Adelson order of lox and bagels during lunch in Israel.

5.                     $100,000 per delegate to win nomination. Another $100,000 per delegate to act excited during keynote speech.

6.                     $250,000 to hire Tobey McGuire to help dressage horse Rafalca recover from Olympic defeat and get ready for 2016.

7.                     $25,000 for rights to play various rock songs against artists wishes.

8.                     $50,000 deduction for teeth whitening procedure to improve fake smile for visit to Wendy’s. $5 for meal at Wendys.

9.                     $75,000 deduction for ineffective coaching lessons in attempt to help him to act like regular guy.

10.                $50,000 donation to producers of Dancing With The Stars to be on next season as fallback position in case presidential election goes south

11.                $50,000 donation to producers of The Price Is Right to replace Drew Carey as host as second fallback position in case election goes south.

12.                Deducted $100,000 for Dog and Pony show. Dog on roof, pony in Olympics.

13.                Additional $200. - Roof racks for dog carrier

14.                Recent Trip to Europe…entire trip was a write-off.

15.                $2,000,000 deduction for charitable contribution to his church of Scientology…oh, wait, that’s John Travolta and Tom Cruise.

16.                $5,000,000 deduction for donation to Mormon Church to help support his 11 secret wives and his 57 additional kids, all named after Heinz ketchup flavors in honor of John Kerry’s wife Teresa.

17.                $1,000,000 donation to Karl Rove to continue acting diabolical.

18.                $5,000,000 deduction to pay for heart transplant surgery for Dick Cheney, to keep him alive long enough to help start new wars after 2012 presidential election.

19.                Unknown amount to convince someone to donate the heart.

20.                $10,000,000 for Ann Romney to make nominating speech talking about how ‘real’ Mitt is.

21.                $500,000 for acting lessons to help Ann Romney make said speech.

22.                $75,000,000 for Clint Eastwood to show up and talk to a chair. ($75,000,000 also exact amount of budget for Clint Eastwood’s next movie, entitled Buick Dodge Ford, the story of an angry old white guy who helps poor minority kids live a better life.)

23.                $3,000,000 on PR to repair damage from Clint Eastwood’s speech to a chair.

24.                1994 - $10,000 donation to Planned Parenthood

25.                2011 - $100,000 donation to groups planning to defund Planned Parenthood

26.                1994 - $10,000 donation to women’s right to choose groups.

27.                2011 - $100,000 donation to right to life groups

28.                1994 - $10,000 donation for Gay Rights organizations

29.                2011 - $100,000 donation for Family Values groups

30.                1994 - $10,000 donation for Brady Campaign to prevent gun violence.

31.                2011 - $100,000 donation to NRA

32.                1994 - $10,000 donation for voter rights protections

33.                2011 - $100,000 donation to Truth the Vote and Voter Suppression laws.

While taking fellow republicans out to dinner, Mitt also took the following deductions.

1.                     $200 extra for Rick Perry who ordered the same food twice after forgetting what he ordered the first time.

2.                     $25 for Rick Santorum to replace order of hard-boiled eggs, which he refused to eat, saying that they should’ve been allowed to hatch into chickens.

3.                     $100 deduction for extra tip to waitress after Rick Santorum refused to leave tip because she was having unmarried sex.

4.                     $10,000 for Chris Christie appetizer of raw meat.

5.                     $75.00 deduction for Ron Paul’s veal chops, who refused to eat on principle until the government stops wasting money on food inspectors. Chris Christie finished it off as part of extra dessert.

6.                     $10,000 for Michelle Bachman’s trip to emergency room because restaurant owners had bribed food inspectors despite serious violations.

7.                     $500. deduction for large hospital attendant to hold Michelle Bachman down for injection to help her recovery from said food poisoning. Ms. Bachman tried to resist, fearing said injection would also include an extra dose of autism.

8.                     $100 for additional Chris Christie Surf and Turf entrée, consisting of steak from Texas and surfer from Jersey shore. (The ocean, not the TV show)

Harry Freedman, is a comedian and corporate comedy put-on artist. He also makes very funny biographical videos for all occasions. Comments welcome at Harry@hfreedman.com

Website - www.Hfreedman.com

The Public Safety Officials - By Harry Freedman                                                                   

Originally published in my regular humor column in THE OYSTER BAY GUARDIAN.

Local officials say that they’re the eyes and ears of the town and perhaps that’s true. But whenever I see one, my first reaction is to slow down because I think it’s the police. Then I realize that it’s one of the Oyster Bay public safety vehicles. So, while, I’m glad they can’t give me a ticket if I’m speeding, I also don’t feel like they could do anything if somebody pulled out a gun.                                                                             

I read that the drivers of these vehicles earn about 80 grand annually. I wonder if the amount is justified by what we get in return. I guess there’s peace of mind knowing that if they come upon something really bad happening, that they can be ready to – well, do what exactly? They’re not armed, and they only have the barest minimum of training. So it seems a bit odd that while there are New York City police making about $40,000 in some tough neighborhoods, we’re shelling out $80,000 for Paul Blart - Mall Cop to drive around Oyster Bay.       

I read that the town supervisor said, “What price do you put on public safety and quality of life.” And I agree. Because when I watch these drivers, they look pretty safe in these vehicles, and at 80 grand a year, well, that’s a pretty good quality of life.                                                                      

But according to a Newsday analysis of public safety department budget documents, Oyster Bay spends more per capita on public safety than any of the other seven Long Island towns without their own police departments. The Department has also nearly doubled its budget from $2.3 million in 2006 to $4.5 million today. While this includes the bay constables which I don’t have any objection to, there are 4 department heads that make more then 100g and 5 others that make more then 80g. I guess the town decided to beef up security to protect all the storefronts that have been boarded up.                                   

Well, I think if we’re going to spend that much taxpayer money for driving, let’s at least add a few chores to their routes. How about offering old people free rides to the supermarket, pick up late library books, or deliver pizzas for Mario’s? Even better, let’s use them as designated drivers. Two lucky couples get a free night out on the town: no worries - no cares. After all, they’re in the hands of public safety.                            

Of course, the real question is whether the program is actually working. Nassau police said they could not provide crime statistics for Oyster Bay alone because it stretches across parts of four precincts. But if local officials can prove that an auxiliary force is truly effective, I say let’s expand the program.                                                                              

Because even though we have several fire stations in town, maybe we should have somebody driving around in a minivan looking for smoke. Or how about a flood patrol for leaky basements, or cesspool watchdogs in case of a backup.       

Or better still, an allergy patrol. We hire a bunch of pollen sensitive drivers who warn the rest of us when it’s safe to go out without sneezing or sniffling. After all, if the public safety officials are considered the eyes and ears of the town, the allergy patrol could be the ears, nose and throat.               

Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against these drivers because I know it can’t be an easy job. For one thing, where are they going to hang out?  They certainly can’t go to Dunkin Donuts because the real cops would probably laugh them away. Hmm, come to think of it, I think I did see one of them at Ralph’s Ices.

Harry@hfreedman.com

www.Hfreedman.com

Who's the hottest political speaker on the corporate circuit? Hint - he's the only man who’s been an advisor to the last 4 Presidents!

Campaign 2012 is officially under way, and you now have the rare opportunity to hire the only speaker who’s been an economic advisor to President Bush Sr., a health care advisor to President Clinton, a defense counselor to President George W. Bush, and a top aide to President Obama.

Each one of these leaders has trusted this one man to be their counsel during good times and bad, and judging by the current state of the country, it should be obvious, that his work is not yet complete. Because when things do go bad, this is the guy that takes the hit, and then figures out how to best spread the blame.

This is a leader who has helped shape history, like when he recently told the secret service to “go out and have a good time in Columbia,” or when he ordered the GSA to hold its meeting in Los Vegas while counseling its top brass, “hey, you work hard - you should play hard.”

Fortunately, for your clients, this incredible individual is now available to discuss his experiences,

He’ll reveal what it’s like behind the scenes when the tough decisions are being made. Find out which president remained the coolest under fire, which got flustered, and which one cries more then John Boehner.

And now, after a wild Republican primary season, find out his predictions for the cataclysmic election of 2012, like where the parties really stand on the issues, or which candidate has the best chance in November, or the actual names and addresses of the 17 undecided voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania who will ultimately decide the future of our nation, and why billions of advertising dollars will be spent to sway the only people in the entire country who apparently can’t make up their minds about anything.

Get the inside scoop on just how often Joe Biden falls asleep at his campaign rallies…at the podium.

And learn the truth about Mitt’s problems connecting with regular people, and his secret strategy to go shopping at Walmart right before the election. (and to really, really enjoy it!)

Who is this amazing expert?

His name is Harry Freedman and he is The Nation’s Leading Expert at Corporate Comedy Put-ons! He WILL convince your next audience that he is an actual expert for any industry and on any topic.

So why bring in one of the talking heads or political hacks that are on TV, when you can hire the only expert in the country who has the ability to BS better then all of them put together – Harry Freedman!

Accept no substitutes.

-------------------------------

Here are just a few of his most recent policy statements.

POLITICS

On the right you have the tea party, while on the left you used to have the green party - so as a result, I just joined the green tea party. We’re a small group of angry antioxidants and free radicals.

ECONOMICS

I know there's a lot of concern about the 15 trillion dollar budget deficits in Washington and I know a lot of people say that it’s not fair to our kids...and I agree with that, but I have an 19 year old kid, and he's a pain in the neck, so as far as I'm concerned, let him pay later for his bad attitude now, and I can't wait to see his face when he figures out he’ll be working till he’s 90.                                                                         

Some people blame the current economic situation on greedy bankers. But in my opinion, it wasn't caused by greedy bankers…but rather by careless bank tellers. You see, people often come into a bank with rolls of pennies they want cashed...and sometimes they only put 98 cents instead of a dollar.  Well, You add up a few pennies here, a few pennies there, next thing you know, you're down 15 trillion. It could happen to anyone.

HEALTH CARE

I’m proud to have helped President Obama finally pass a national health care plan that I think will not only save the country a lot of money, but will in fact, revolutionize everyone's health insurance.                                                 

Look at it this way. Right now, when you pay for your typical health insurance - you're covered for every illness. But the reality is that you're not going to get every illness.  So our new policy is that you only pay for the disease you want to be covered for. For example, let’s say you want protection for tuberculosis - that's like $50 bucks a year.  For another $5 bucks a year, you don't have to worry about salmonella. Now, I know some people might argue that nobody gets salmonella, and that’s true, but for 5 bucks a year, are you really willing to take that gamble?        

NATIONAL SECURITY

Even though we got Osama, I’m still nervous about terrorism, so much so, I bought a gas mask, but I filled mine with nitrous oxide. I figure if there ever is an attack, I’m getting free dental work. 

Because terrorism in other countries is much worse then here. In Israel, things are so bad they use pigs to sniff out explosives. How unfair is that? These pigs are basically sitting there thinking, I’m in the one country in the world I thought I was  perfectly safe, and boom - they’re blowing us up! I wish I could turn into a cow and move to India.                                                                                                                                                       

ENERGY

There are a lot of misconceptions about the safety of nuclear power, which is why I think I can reassure everybody with just 2 words - Homer Simpson. Because he's been working in a nuclear plant for 25 years, and there’s been no problems whatsoever.      

The big concern with nuclear is disposing of all the waste, which was supposed to be shipped to Yucca mountain, but got stopped by local opposition. Which is surprising, because frankly, this is the first time I've ever heard Nevada try to turn something down for health reasons.                                             

Let's be honest. There's a state known for booze, women, crime, smoking, and gambling, and the local government's got the nerve to say, "your nuclear waste isn't good enough for us?'                                                                                    

That’s why, I think we need a slogan to get the people of Nevada to get behind it. Something like, "what happens in Yucca - stays in Yucca."

Harry Freedman has performed customized corporate comedy Put-ons and emceed for hundreds of Fortune 1000 companies.

He also does stand-up comedy, personalized toasts and roasts, and creates hilarious biographical tribute videos for landmark birthdays, honorariums, weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs.

For more Information: www.Hfreedman.com 

or HarryFreedman.net (agent friendly)