The Public Safety Officials - By Harry Freedman                                                                   

Originally published in my regular humor column in THE OYSTER BAY GUARDIAN.

Local officials say that they’re the eyes and ears of the town and perhaps that’s true. But whenever I see one, my first reaction is to slow down because I think it’s the police. Then I realize that it’s one of the Oyster Bay public safety vehicles. So, while, I’m glad they can’t give me a ticket if I’m speeding, I also don’t feel like they could do anything if somebody pulled out a gun.                                                                             

I read that the drivers of these vehicles earn about 80 grand annually. I wonder if the amount is justified by what we get in return. I guess there’s peace of mind knowing that if they come upon something really bad happening, that they can be ready to – well, do what exactly? They’re not armed, and they only have the barest minimum of training. So it seems a bit odd that while there are New York City police making about $40,000 in some tough neighborhoods, we’re shelling out $80,000 for Paul Blart - Mall Cop to drive around Oyster Bay.       

I read that the town supervisor said, “What price do you put on public safety and quality of life.” And I agree. Because when I watch these drivers, they look pretty safe in these vehicles, and at 80 grand a year, well, that’s a pretty good quality of life.                                                                      

But according to a Newsday analysis of public safety department budget documents, Oyster Bay spends more per capita on public safety than any of the other seven Long Island towns without their own police departments. The Department has also nearly doubled its budget from $2.3 million in 2006 to $4.5 million today. While this includes the bay constables which I don’t have any objection to, there are 4 department heads that make more then 100g and 5 others that make more then 80g. I guess the town decided to beef up security to protect all the storefronts that have been boarded up.                                   

Well, I think if we’re going to spend that much taxpayer money for driving, let’s at least add a few chores to their routes. How about offering old people free rides to the supermarket, pick up late library books, or deliver pizzas for Mario’s? Even better, let’s use them as designated drivers. Two lucky couples get a free night out on the town: no worries - no cares. After all, they’re in the hands of public safety.                            

Of course, the real question is whether the program is actually working. Nassau police said they could not provide crime statistics for Oyster Bay alone because it stretches across parts of four precincts. But if local officials can prove that an auxiliary force is truly effective, I say let’s expand the program.                                                                              

Because even though we have several fire stations in town, maybe we should have somebody driving around in a minivan looking for smoke. Or how about a flood patrol for leaky basements, or cesspool watchdogs in case of a backup.       

Or better still, an allergy patrol. We hire a bunch of pollen sensitive drivers who warn the rest of us when it’s safe to go out without sneezing or sniffling. After all, if the public safety officials are considered the eyes and ears of the town, the allergy patrol could be the ears, nose and throat.               

Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against these drivers because I know it can’t be an easy job. For one thing, where are they going to hang out?  They certainly can’t go to Dunkin Donuts because the real cops would probably laugh them away. Hmm, come to think of it, I think I did see one of them at Ralph’s Ices.

Harry@hfreedman.com

www.Hfreedman.com